28/4/17 – All the Canadians

For some reason, the oldies decided not to knock on for us for breakfast, so we ended up going down by ourselves and catching them just as they were leaving. Had the usual quesadilla, bacon, sausage, sauteed potatoes and nachos. I do love their nachos. We took up some prime positions by the pool – still in the shade, because it really is blistering hot here; I know, I’m ashamed of myself too – and I got my writing game on. Bust out three pages before getting highly distracted watching three girls playing Marco Polo in the pool with some little kids. We’ve only ever seen this game played in American movies, so it was highly entertaining to us.

One of the girls then expertly saved her drink whilst rolling out of the pool, so I told her it’s always a success as long as you haven’t spilt the drink. We then got talking to them, which lasted all afternoon. They were friends from Canada called Danielle, Daria and Gelisa. They were very funny and apparently very happy to have made new friends, as they posted on Snapchat. We got so carried away chatting that we missed the lunch slot entirely. Inconceivable! We hit the snack bar instead and I had some pulled chicken, chicken nuggets and chips. Very sophisticated, of course.

We opted out of more drinks for the afternoon, because we knew we had a heavy night ahead of us. The girls all sat in the pool for a while, so I sat on the edge with them with my notebook so that I could half write and half chat, which ended up being mostly chatting. Managed to get a little more done on the sunbeds before me and Kel conceded we should go back to the room to start showering, as we had to have an early tea before Coco Bongos. Said goodbye to the girls and went back to the room. Did the usual of squeezing in some writing between getting ready, so that I was only a page behind where I wanted to be.

We went back to the Mexican restaurant this time, since it only had scheduled sittings and going down earlier meant we were right on time for the first one. I had some oddly multi coloured nachos with their hot sauce, taco rolls, refried beans and beef tostadas. Still need to try their tortilla soul at some point, but I kept filling up on everything else. I had chicken fajitas for my main. Super yummy! We had a look at the pudding buffet, but weren’t too enamoured by it, so we decided to go over to the other restaurant and look at theirs. We spotted the oldies in there, so we sat with them whilst we had ice cream with strawberry sauce. Much better.

Kel had left her phone on charge and I didn’t want to take my phone out with my, so we went back to the room for a little bit before our bus was due so that we could switch. I also squeezed in that last page I wanted before we had to go down. I am never going on holiday during a NaNoWriMo event again. It makes it feel so much more like a chore to get the pages done, when sometimes I just want to read or sunbathe or watch Clannad instead. We got on the most air conditioned bus ever. In my tiny, pineapple playsuit, it was bloody freezing. We also had to sit on there for ages in the hotel drive, because there was a faff with a mother and daughter pair who had bought their tickets, but the daughter wasn’t old enough. Expensive tickets to not get refunded, but what did they really expect from a club? You need ID. That’s just how it works.

The first stop on our special little bar crawl was Senor Frog’s – one that amused me, as it had been on Impractical Jokers. Really nice, fun little bar with a live band playing and everything froggy themed. It was beach side too. Just a shame it was so damn windy – I spent the entire time having to push my hair out of my face. We got free cocktails and free shots there, as it was all-inclusive with our tickets. No idea what either of them were, but they were both drinkable. We then had some odd margarita/mojito mash-ups and made friends with a Canadian couple called Andrew and Alisha. Seriously, there are so many Canadians here. They tried out the oxygen bar where they plug tubes up your nose, so the oxygen helps the alcohol into your blood stream faster and gives you a natural high; plus it’s meant to make your hangover a lot better the next day. Safe to say, me and Kel were happy to just tackle all that the old fashioned way. Shoving anything up my nose didn’t sound like much fun. One of our rep people then had us standing up on our chairs to a very fast forwarded version of Macarena and then some House of Pain (what a tune). I’m all for dancing on chairs and tables, but it’s a little more terrifying in heels.

We then walked round to our next coach stop, chatting to Andrew and Alisha on the way. They rent a property with forty-one acres of land and apparently get deer and porcupines in their back yard, wow! Though apparently not so wow for their pitbull that just wants to eat everything. The coach took us to the next place, Salsanero. I was given a vile cocktail upon going in – tasted like soda water and a lot of alcohol. I quickly ditched that and got us some better margaritas instead. The music in here was a lot more Spanish. As the name suggests, clearly somewhere where you learn the proper dances, rather than just going to a club. We took our own entertainment in watching a guy in pink shorts, who was dancing around all goofily and totally looked like Murr from the back.

We didn’t seem to be in there long before being moved onto Coco Bongos, which was just across the road. We were given more cocktails as we went in. These ones tasted quite medicine-y, but were at least better than the weird soda water one. They suddenly became a lot more drinkable when we were given shots to down on the go as we were directed through, which turned out to be pure tequila. My gag reflex was certainly strong with that one and I had to glug a fair bit of my weird cocktail to recover. Those of us on the specific Coco Bongo tour had our own level, which the reps were trying very hard to lead us all too. Difficult when there’s so many of you in the group and the club is completely rammed, especially when I managed to lose sight of the guy in front. Thankfully, whilst I was looking all lost, one guy turned round and asked if I was on the tour too. When I said yes, he just grabbed my hand and dragged us both through all the people, right up until we got to our designated level. Bless. It was more hilarious when I spotted the pink shorts and realised it was non-Murr.

All of the little balconies overlooked the main stage and dance floor, with step-like levels so that more people could fit and still be able to see over everyone else. We couldn’t get onto one of the steps straight away, so we couldn’t really see anything, but then they suddenly released lots of sausage balloons and me and Kel entertained ourselves with those for a while, like the children that we are. Whilst Kel was then getting up on one of the steps that had become free, I was watching her and didn’t realise I was hitting non-Murr on the head with the end of my balloon. Thankfully, he found it funny and just gave it a shake.

Once we were on the steps, we decided to launch our balloons off the balcony like javelins. Well, Kel did. I tried to do the same and managed to hit one of the overhead speakers, so that it bounced back and landed in some guy’s face, who was clearly like ‘where the fuck did this just come from?’ He tried to javelin it too and hilariously, also bounced it off the speaker and it came right back to me, so I got another shot at it. On my second try, I finally managed to launch it off the balcony and into the crowd. The whole time, we had reps going round asking for our drink orders and delivering them right to us. We chose to stick to the margaritas all night.

Our visibility of the stage had been pretty limited until that point, but as the crowd started to thin out, we finally got to see what was going on. The crowd was huge – looked like what I imagine New Year’s Eve to be at a hugely televised American event. It was basically like being in a night club that stages a pop culture themed Cirque du Soleil. They had full dance performances of medleys from artists like Bruno Mars, LMFAO and Pitbull. Real choreographed dances too. Then they had staged fights and aerial acts between Jack Sparrow and Barbossa, Spiderman and Green Goblin, The Mask, and the guys from Tron. Tron acts always look so good because of the light-up suits, but their aerial work was something else. Serious highlight for us was when Satine came out n her trapeze to Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend, going into a whole little Moulin Rouge segment. Far too much love for that movie.

Our reps started directing us back outside before the club closed at three, so we headed back to a congregation point where we were all directed towards the right coaches. We got stuck with an insanely noisy group of Colombian girls. Now I’m all for appreciating Colombians, because they hella pretty, but these were just damn annoying. Two of them were from our hotel and trying to ask us what our room number was. Dodgy or what? Safe to say, we didn’t tell them anything. I was prepared to make up a fake number if we had to.

There was no question that we weren’t doing anything when we got back, other than going to bed. Personally, I was just glad to get rid of the heels, because it had been a very standing-only kind of night. Maybe next time, I’ll just stick to flats.

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This is not your average night club.

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26/9/15 – I love all inclusive

Got up earlyish again so that we could get ready and head down for breakfast. This time, we knew to hit the better breakfast stuff first, so I ended up with bacon, two kinds of sausage, scrambled eggs with ham and a churro to try because I was curious. It’s odd. It’s kinda like a deep fried savoury donut. I actually had second breakfast and followed it up with peach slices, half a mango, a seriously crumbly chocolate biscuit and a crepe filled with strawberry jam. Well, people always compared me to a hobbit. Gotta live up to it.

We hung around the pool again and finally got the sun we’d been waiting for, so I actually got to get a good session of sunbathing in. I wrote another short story and did some more reading – still making the most of the all inclusive drinks all the while, of course. I’d had two sangrias and a cocktail before it was even midday. That’s just the way you have to roll when you’re on holiday. Joel came round with another game for us. For this one, you had to throw cards into a magician’s hat. I had a go, but only managed two. It didn’t help that it was super windy. Honestly, I was just surprised that the cards didn’t end up in the pool.

We hit the proper buffet for lunch, rather than just the snack bar this time. We definitely missed out yesterday! I had the yummy rice again, another Mexican style pork rice, more garlic potatoes, chips and a slice of a delicious cheese pizza. I’m really not a fan of pizza at all, but this is another thing that most European holiday-making places do right. If it’s not cooked in a clay oven, then I’m not interested. Forget that frozen nonsense. We were pretty hot after lunch, so decided to have my first dip in the pool. Oh my god. Most freezing cold pool in the world – I think that was the briefest lap I’ve ever done, before I swiftly got back out.

When it started to get later and I was feeling nice and cooked by the sun, I popped to a nearby shop to get some Red Bull. For some reason – made even more oblivious by the fact that I must have looked like a right sweaty tramp after sitting in the sun all day – the shop assistant took a shine to me and gave me a Greek eye style bracelet. I wasn’t really sure what to do about that, other than not be rude and just accept it. I really hope this doesn’t mean we’re married in Spanish or something. Though I do actually have a thing for Hispanic men, I don’t really want to bring this one home with me.

I had my Red Bull and read a little in between showering and getting ready, once I was back in the apartment. I quickly learnt that I’d clearly got very carried away with our first bit of sun and basically burnt everywhere. Joy. I wore my Gothic looking red and black dress that Flick got me for my birthday last year and is still one of my top outfits of choice. It hit the worst of my weird burn lines. We then went down for more food. I really do like this all inclusive deal. A lot of the food suggested today was maybe following more of a Mexican theme, but they also had some little samosas, which were nice but a little out of place. I had my usual rices combo, fries, samosas, a type of bolognese pasta, a lamb chop, chicken in a sweet-ish sauce and some sliced potatoes that were almost as thin as crisps and so tasty! Pudding this time was more mousses and more jelly.

We moved into the entertainment area and really started making the most of the all inclusive drinks. I think we each got two more drinks around every half hour. Because why the hell not? I did regret switching from cocktails and sangria to vodka and lemon on my last round though. The guy asked me if he’d poured out enough vodka, which he already had by far, then kept adding more anyway. I know you know English better than that! I ended up with drinks that were more than three quarters full of vodka. Safe to say, I didn’t finish either of them. I like vodka, but I like having more than just an essence of mixer to go with it.

I was, sadly, very excited about the main entertainment for tonight, which was a movie quiz. If my forte is in anything, it’s in movies. The basis for this one was that we were played part of a song and had to pinpoint what movie it was from. Of course, I had to add silly little drawings like a sinking boat for Titanic, a naff ghost for Ghost and then the same naff ghost with a cross through it for Ghostbusters. Some of the questions were quite easy, but I got super excited when they started playing the Public Domain song from Blade. I think that one stumped most people. I clearly had an unfair advantage because I love the hell out of those movies (yes, even two and Trinity – my rule with them is that the storylines get worse, but the guys get hotter!) and had actually been listening to that song whilst I’d been sunbathing! Patrik was hosting again and he showed us a video afterwards that he’d done to that song for some horror event, where he was shirtless, covered in ‘blood’ and doing a choreographed dance with a ‘victim’. When you look like he does, all you really need is the shirtless part.

We had Let It Go and the Circle of Life for the Disney side of things – both of which me and Kel clearly had to sing along very loudly to. Sadly, we missed out on only one point by a song from Desperados, which is definitely one neither of us had seen. It’s a shame too, as I would have nailed the two tiebreaker questions they had for the winning teams – the name of Danny Zuko’s best friend and then identifying a song from The Mask. I was actually amazed myself that I knew the latter. Haven’t seen that film in years!

After the quiz, Patrik said he was heading out to a bar with some of the other guests if we wanted to join, so we happily agreed. There were two German girls, who I don’t think spoke much English so we didn’t even learn their names, but we got along well with the two pairs of Scots – Brenda and Karen, who were a fair bit older, and then Kymm and Kirstie, who were probably several years older than us. Everyone was very funny and very friendly and happy to chat and take stupid selfies. Patrik said he’d show us his office first, which is a little hut type thing that overlooks part of the pool. He showed us his mascot outfit, which is some kind of dolphin or marlin called Panchi, and asked if any of us wanted to try it on. Nobody volunteered, so I took the bullet. I think he was quite happy about it. I didn’t realised I had to wear the very tight blue leggings and the big shoes too. Very awkward to get into in a very short dress and heels with everyone watching. I had to try not to flash anyone in the process. I was grateful it didn’t smell in there, but it was hot and would probably get claustrophobic quickly, so I was equally as grateful to get out of it!

Say hello to Panchi! Oh no, wait, it's just me...

Say hello to Panchi! Oh no, wait, it’s just me…

He then took us to a little shopping centre type complex of clubs, which was a bit like a less fancy version of the Arcadian. We saw Satan on the way too! Joel met us there and we did several rounds of drinks, champagne that Patrik produced from somewhere and some shots that I think were peach schnapps or similar. He came over to me with the bottle at one point and I wasn’t quite sure what he wanted me to do, then realised he wanted to pour an extra shot into my mouth. He didn’t pour too much so that I ended up looking like a dribbling loon, so I was cool with that game. A bit later on, Brenda and Karen were trying to convince him to lose his shirt (I think everyone appreciated the beauty of his vampire video) and he compromised by unbuttoning half of it and then trying to get us all to lick his chest. I settled for kissing it instead. I’ve licked a hot chest before and it is so not pleasant (though in that case there was mayo involved too).

By this point, Kel was clearly hanging onto composure by a thread, so I decided it was time to walk her back. We both ended up walking back carrying out shoes – the bane of wearing heels – and acquired a companion for a short while, who said he was called Brian but so blatantly wasn’t called Brian. Thankfully, we managed to get rid of not-Brian after a while when he kept asking about boyfriends and other inappropriate things. When you’re on holiday and creepy guys ask if you have a boyfriend back home, just say yes. They’ll never know.

Group shot! (Not sure why I always hunch down in photos when I'm drunk... Am I trying to be invisible or something?)

Group shot! (Not sure why I always hunch down in photos when I’m drunk… Am I trying to be invisible or something?)

It all seemed to hit me when we got back to the apartment. I don’t remember a lot of it now, but I kept getting the whirlies whilst I was trying to lie down and I may or may not have (by that, I mean definitely) thrown up over the balcony. Oops. The only consolation is that I was still in a better state than Kel, who hadn’t even realised how bad I was in the process, so maybe I’ll just have to blame it on her. Sshhh.